


you held your breath

by moonlitprincess



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 03:16:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7026205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlitprincess/pseuds/moonlitprincess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>‘It’s not an asthma attack,’ she manages to choke out, anxiety unfurling inside her and spreading through her veins quickly. ‘It’s a panic attack — the bodies you saw, it reminded him of the massacre, dammit — ’ </p><p>Bellamy has a panic attack when breaking up a fight between Trikru and Azgeda hunters and Clarke is the only one who can calm him down. </p><p>aka</p><p>bellarke's first kiss the way (teen wolf's) stydia first kiss happened</p>
            </blockquote>





	you held your breath

Usually, Clarke likes being the one to take the hour long hike to the nearby creek to fetch the herbs and medicinal ingredients that need stocking in the med bay. Usually, Bellamy comes with her (Kane and Abby insist on a member of the guard accompanying anyone who leaves camp but Clarke isn’t going to argue against Bellamy coming with her). Usually, they laugh and joke and tease each other during the walk there and he helps her gather everything she needs and the conversation might fall onto their ongoing task of figuring out what to do about the nuclear reactors but even then, Clarke always finds herself feeling more at peace after a day spent _just_ with him. 

She should’ve known that the one day he didn’t come with her, something would go wrong. 

Trikru are still trying to figure out how to continue the Grounder culture and customs given everything that happened with ALIE. As far as Clarke knows, Roan had survived the whole debacle and political discussions were currently in progress between him, Indra and Luna about the future of the twelve clans. (Clarke suspects that Ice Nation will take over with a Commander of their own — Ontari might be dead but she’s sure that they have plenty of other night bloods who have been trained over the years.) However, things are still fraught between the twelve clans, which is why nobody is surprised when a group of Ice Nation warriors get into a violent and bloody fight with some Trikru hunters only a couple of hours away from Arkadia. Roan and Indra request some of Arkadia’s guards (Roan, to Clarke’s surprise, asks specifically for Bellamy, Miller and Bryan) to help them sort out the dispute, which is how Clarke ends up going with Harper to the creek while Bellamy jumps in the rover and heads in the other direction. 

Afternoon is fading into early evening when Clarke and Harper return to camp, laughing over an old story from their days at the dropship when Monty rushes to meet them at the gate, his eyes wide and face chalky. 

‘What’s wrong?’ asks Harper, stepping towards him in concern. 

‘It’s Bellamy,’ he says, frowning and Clarke can see he’s struggling to find the words to explain whatever’s happened. 

‘Miller!’ she calls, trying not to sound as terrified as she feels, immediately grabbing the attention of the other boy who’s standing near the entrance of the med bay, fiddling anxiously with the zipper to his jacket and in deep conversation with Raven, Octavia, Bryan and Jasper. 

‘Clarke, thank God you’re back,’ he says, hurrying over to her. The others follow, all looking equally unnerved. 

‘What’s going on?’ Clarke demands. ‘What happened to Bellamy? Where is he?’ 

‘With your mom,’ says Raven, nodding towards the med bay. Clarke’s heart drops into her stomach and her knees almost give out with the pure panic that shoots up her spine. She’s thankful for Harper and Miller who each grab one of her arms to stop her from collapsing. 

‘I don’t even know what happened,’ says Miller, sounding bewildered. He shakes his head and scrubs his face wearily with the back of his hand. ‘He was fine on the way there, fine while we were breaking up the fight, fine while we managed to talk everyone down but when it calmed down a bit, he just _cracked._ ’ 

‘When we saw the bodies,’ Bryan adds and Clarke notes that he looks a little scared. ‘It’d gotten pretty damn ugly before we arrived so there were quite a few Grounders who’d been fatally injured. And a second fight broke out just before we were about to leave and Bellamy got caught up in the middle of it and he just _stood_ there and let this Ice Nation guy beat on him.’ 

Clarke sees Octavia cringe and look away at Bryan’s words and quickly tunes back in to hear Miller continuing the story — 

‘ … was shaking the entire drive back to camp, he could barely hold this gun and I didn’t know if he was gonna pass out or throw up. When we got in the gate, he just collapsed.’ 

‘He woke up in the med bay a few minutes later,’ says Octavia and her voice is hoarse and full of fear, eyes watery and bottom lip trembling. Clarke’s stomach jolts. In that instant, she feels as though she’s looking at Octavia from their first two months on the ground. 

‘He couldn’t look at any of us,’ Raven says, reaching out and taking Octavia’s hand, ‘but he specifically ordered Miller to take Octavia away.’ 

Clarke sees the hurt wash over the youngest girl’s face. 

‘I’d convinced myself since we got back that I hadn’t seen him much because I was avoiding him,’ murmurs Octavia, ‘but I guess it never occurred to me that he was avoiding me too. I tried to hold his hand and he tugged it away like I’d burned him. He looked like he never wanted to see me again.’ Her voice breaks on the last sentence and Raven pulls her into a tight hug. 

‘He looked like he was having an asthma attack,’ says Jasper, speaking for the first time and sounding hesitant. 

‘Wait, what?’ says Clarke, something in her mind faintly whirring, a thought forming at Jasper’s words. ‘Asthma attack?’ 

Jasper nods. ‘Yeah. I know Bellamy doesn’t have asthma but he uh … it was like he couldn’t get enough air or something, he just kept panting and coughing and telling us to go.’ 

Clarke can remember it vividly as it’s described — the feeling of her heart thumping uncontrollably against her ribs, her chest tight, stomach clenching, head spinning, looking down and being surprised to see the lack of thick, sticky blood on her fingers given the nightmares that forced their way into her head every damn night, just wanting the touch of someone familiar to ground her to reality.

‘It’s not an asthma attack,’ she manages to choke out, anxiety unfurling inside her and spreading through her veins quickly. ‘It’s a _panic_ attack — the bodies you saw, it reminded him of the massacre, _dammit_ — ’ She doesn’t bother to stick around to see the understanding and horror dawn on her friends’ faces, instead pushes past the small huddle and kicks open the door to the med bay, ignoring the startled looks she receives from others Abby’s recruited to help out and heading straight to the bed at the very end of the room where her mother is crouched in front of Bellamy with a hand on his knee, trying to coax him into calming down. Clarke’s eyes catch Jackson at a counter with a syringe in his hand and she almost yells ‘ _No_!’ in blind desperation, before stopping herself and rushing over. 

‘Mom,’ she says, keeping her voice low and quiet. ‘Let me.’ 

Abby’s head snaps up in surprise and she glances over her shoulder, meeting her daughter’s gaze and noting the fierce blaze of determination in her eyes. She stands and gives Clarke’s arm a squeeze. 

‘We’ll have to sedate him if he doesn’t calm down soon,’ she warns. ‘He’s not breathing properly and he got a pretty beat up when breaking up that fight, we need to treat those injuries before they get infected.’ 

‘I know,’ says Clarke. ‘Let me talk to him, okay?’ She doesn’t wait for a reply, instead surging forward. Bellamy is sitting on the bed, his head in his hands and his entire frame shaking, breath audibly sharp and shallow. Clarke moves closer tentatively, placing her hands gently on his thighs. He jumps, looking up with a start with wide eyes, a thin sheen of sweat coated across his skin. 

‘C…Clarke?’ he croaks out. 

‘Hey,’ she says softly. ‘Missed you today.’ 

’S … s … sorry,’ he stutters. ‘Was a b … bit b … busy h … having the b … breakdown of t … the cent … century.’ 

She smirks. ‘I think you’ve got some competition there,’ she teases. 

A sound escapes his lips, something resembling a half-laugh, half-gasp for air and Clarke quickly takes his face in her hands and steps in closer towards him. His thighs close in on her hips as though he’s trying to keep her near and she lets her thumbs brush over the faint scars on his face. 

‘I need you to try and breathe, okay?’ she whispers. ‘Or you’re gonna pass out again.’ 

‘I c … can’t C … Clarke, I j … just — ’

Out of the corner of her eye, Clarke sees Jackson with the syringe and shoots him a _look_. 

‘I know, I know,’ she says soothingly. ‘Believe me, I do.’

Clarke ignores the concerned but curious glance her mother steals at those words. (She hasn’t told anyone about the panic attacks she’d had during her three months away and she doesn’t want to elaborate now and have everyone walk on eggshells around her). 

‘Th … the b … bodies,’ Bellamy chokes out. ‘I k … kept see … seeing the m … massacre, and th … then _L… Lincoln_ and w … when I w… woke up a … and O was here … ’ He swears and heaves in a sharp breath that does nothing but make him cough. ’A … and _God_ , s … she has en … enough reasons t … to hate m … me al … already — ’

‘All Octavia wants right to now is for you to be okay,’ Clarke promises. ‘We’re all in a difficult place with each other but that doesn’t change the fact that we love each other.’ 

‘I k … kill … killed L … Lincoln — ’

‘You didn’t pull that trigger, Bellamy.’ 

‘B … but it’s m … my fa … fault … oh _God,_ I c … can’t b … breathe — ’

‘Clarke,’ Abby begins but Clarke waves her hand to silence her. 

‘Bellamy,’ she says firmly. ‘Hey. Look at me.’ 

He does, his dark eyes brimming with tears, overflowing with pain and exhaustion and fear that tugs at Clarke’s heart. 

‘I … I can’t … I can’t breathe,’ he repeats, his voice rasping and his hands move, grabbing her hips and digging in, desperate, terrified, breathless and suddenly, Clarke remembers something she read in one of her mother’s medical books back on the Ark and acts before processing the implications of what she’s about to do — 

She grabs Bellamy’s shirt in her fists and pulls him towards her, sealing her mouth to his. Abby gasps and Jackson drops whatever it was he was holding and it clatters to the ground noisily but Clarke ignores them. She feels the sharp intake of Bellamy’s breath against her lips before weaving one hand through the dark, unruly curls on his head to stop him from pulling away. 

_Hold your breath Bell,_ she thinks. _Hold your breath, hold your breath —_

But she can’t stop her thoughts from deterring to how soft he is, how coarse and chapped his lips are and how it sends a tingling sensation down her spine, how warmth fills her body from her head to the tips of her toes when his arms slide around her back and make her stumble further into his hold and she can’t help but smile into the kiss. 

It was such an impromptu decision that the need for air surfaces far quicker than it usually would and Clarke breaks away from him with great reluctance, shuffling backwards a bit to give him his own space (and to judge his reaction.) 

A quiet, shaky, but controlled exhale rattles past his lips. Once. Twice. Three times. 

He’s breathing _._

‘H — how’d you do that?’ he murmurs. 

Clarke runs her hand through her hair to try and distract from the rising colour to her cheeks. ‘I um — I read somewhere once that if someone can hold their breath long enough, they can stop a panic attack.’ She smiled, a little embarrassed and letting her eyes drop to floor. ‘When I um … _kissed_ you, you held your breath.’ 

‘Huh,’ he says, the strength already returning to his voice. ‘That was really smart.’ 

She shrugs. ‘I’m not just pretty smiles and bad decisions,’ she jokes dryly and he laughs, rubbing his eyes. 

‘No, you’re not,’ he agrees and his voice rumbles with the gentle affection that Clarke craves. The warmth in his eyes when they gaze at her makes her stomach flip and she steps away from her place between the V of his legs, letting her mother take over in patching up his injuries. But she doesn’t go far, leaning against the wall to the left of the bed, unable to wipe the smile from her face and taking comfort in the fact that the grin on his face is as identically smitten as her own. 

_Yeah_ , she thinks, worries about Grounder politics, nuclear reactors, Arkadia’s survival and even their own relationship slipping from her mind. _We’ll be okay._

**Author's Note:**

> i literally crafted this story in my head while i was at work i'm so lame 
> 
> ANYWAY please comment and leave kudos, I promise a new chapter for the soccer au is coming! and if you want, come cry to me abt bellarke on tumblr (ofcourseit-sinyourheadharry) Xxx


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